50 Shades of Separation Part 1

The cost of Box preferences

I’m not proud of it. Not at all. It’s painful. And I will share it anyway. I feel shame. Shame is a Mixture of sadness, fear and anger.

I feel sad because I have such strong box patterns about eating. I feel fear of being abandoned when others find out how weird I am. And I feel anger because I want to have life happening on ‘my’ terms. You see: Lots of emotions. I don’t know how I got to these box patterns. But I found out how I create separation by paying and buying my own food in the Bridge-House.

It started at the very beginning with the food I brought from home. I wanted to be sure, that I have my favourite tea for a while and some dried fruits – just in case. Soon I started to fill a whole drawer with asiatic specialities, teas, honey, nuts – in the quality I want to have them. I had the story, that the women on the Bridge-House don't attach any importance to organic and healthy food. I even hoarded organic eggs. In fact, I hid them so that I’m sure they are available for me when I want to have them. This was the point I started to sense, how much energy my (extreme) Box preferences costs me. It was not just having preferences. There was more. I’m going to dissect this part of my box in front of you now.

Dissection part 1

Food in general is important to me and healthy food in particular. I’m willing to walk half an hour to go to the farmers market on Saturday to get fresh organic vegetables and fruits. I also drive to a store to get other things in organic quality. I’m also willing to pay the price for it. I love healthy organic fresh food so much. And I’m also willing to share. But I want to have the control over it. I want to be sure, that this exact organic Avocado is available for me, when I want to have it.

In a conversation at the brunch table I got the clarity, that this is child ego state: I want everything, exactly the way I want to have it, at the exact time I want it. If not, the world would collapse. Being in this tantrum prevents me from feeling. Still today I avoid feeling sometimes. If I feel, I would have to take responsibility. My gremlin doesn’t like that. He prevents my box from shifting. He finds many ways to keep me safe.

And at the end of the day it is about the story I create about others: If they don’t go for organic food, they don’t appreciate it. It’s not important to them. They don’t care. So how can I be sure that my need is met, when they have other Box preferences?! I can’t. Now I have the choice: Will I take that as a reason to hate them and to separate myself from the group? Or do I act as an adult woman? As an adult woman I can’t be sure, that my needs will be met and I won’t. Why should I? I’m the one who takes care about my needs. I can ask, I can choose, I can declare. Furthermore: Reality changes. I change. If I want to be radically free, I need to allow my surrounding also to be free. There’s the edge of aliveness.

Dissection part 2

On the way back home from the adventure day Vera asked me, why I didn’t share the payment of the lunch we had together. I told, that I know this situation from the past, where I had a ‘bad feeling’ after not having consumed as much as others and paid the same amount. Back then I suppressed my anger which could have given me a hint about navigating the situation differently. Now I was in another situation. I was with my Bridge-House-Women on an adventure day. But I didn’t do this distinction. I used an old story to influence and justify my behavior. I used the story to separate myself.

I had again a choice. And I choose to start an experiment right after the adventure day: I went to ‘my’ drawer and put everything into the shared drawers. I was radical. Everything went out of my control (except two teabags with my most favourite Oolongtea – for really difficult situations I want to have something to soothe myself).

Immediately I started to feel sadness because no one was there to appreciate me in doing this big leap. Sónia saw my tears and asked what I need. This question is still very hard for me to answer. I often don’t know what I need. In this situation I just needed someone to see me, to see my effort and to celebrate with me. And she did. She told me about the tradition of putting one song on and celebrating together dancing. Finally, we were four women dancing and celebrating.

But this was not the end. The real process still lies ahead of me. First, I need to feel. What is going on in myself, when the avocado disappeared? What do I feel and what is my next step from there on? This would be reality. What I’ve had so far was only stories in my head.

Benefits of being a lone wolf

The question is: Why would I separate myself? Is it just the way I know it?

I sense, that with my box preferences about eating and the urge to have the control, I cover my insufficiency in negotiating and relating by being honest and vulnerable. I keep fitting in and pretending. I’m safe in my lone wolf strategy. I have everything under control. Here I don’t need to feel the pain of not trusting. Also, I can keep myself from relying upon other women.

When I’m having my own drawer with food, I’m in the lone wolf strategy. I don’t need to negotiate and I prevent myself from feeling the fear to lose control. I’m just living in my own world. I don’t need to feel the pain that I’m not able yet to really relate and to be in deep vulnerable connection. I even can’t imagine how that goes.

I sniff there is something about putting the weapons on the table and to put the walls down. I’m scared about the processes lying ahead. My gremlin goes crazy. He will defend my well-organised structures. But I’m here to get more! I’m here to learn how to relate as an Archan woman. I’m here to die. There are two more weeks to find out what I need in order to shift and to relate. And here is the edge of aliveness again.

I start to enjoy that thrill.