50 shades of separation - Part 2

Feel the pain or stuck in the box

To be honest, I’m already tired of writing about separation. It’s the same old story again and again. This is victim mode. And I hate that. But it will not work until I really feel the pain about what I’m creating. It’s not done by avoiding. So I dive in once more.

The day before we left the Bridge-House the women held again space for me and opened several doors and I again didn’t get it. This time I was even astonished when they ended the conversation. Am I really that stubborn? Obviously yes. I’m acting out of my Box. Again and again. I’m acting the way I know it’s safe. But it’s not connecting. I realize, that I don’t really feel my Feelings often. When I’m only describing what I feel, I don’t actually feel and therefore I’m not connected with my Emotional Body. Intimacy will only happen with the bodies I’m connected with. When I keep holding on and stay in the safety of my head, I have no chance to connect on deeper levels. I can watch into your eyes, but it will be empty.

To be asked, “Kathrin, where are you?” gives me the hint that I’m not really present. It’s painful to get such feedback. I feel sad because I want to create something different.

To cross the edge of Patriarchy is hard work. It’s trying again and again. Sometimes my Gremlin gets furious of getting the instruction “try something new!” or “what will you do about your discovery?” I heard it so many times in the Bridge-House. To try something new would mean to let go of my Victim role. I’m so used to stay in the victim story. A Part of me seems to love it. “It’s so pathetic.” Trying something new would take this apart. And a part of me doesn’t’ want to loose this bitter sweet intensity of pathos. “How boring would it be a world without stories”. I guess this is my Gremlin talking. But without trying something new, I will not change. I pay a high price to stay in the alleged safety of my Box. So I finally tried something new.

Try something new!

I’m great at describing things. But that doesn’t mean, that I feel and act from Experiential Reality. Describing the pool, how it is constructed and what’s the temperature of the water, is not the same as being in the pool. Knowing theoretically which muscles are used by swimming and which techniques you use to be fast, doesn’t make you a good swimmer. To be in the pool is the moment you prove that you are able to swim.

To stand on a chair in the middle of a restaurant and sing a song was a challenge. To run down the street and scream was another. And I did it. I crossed the edge of my Fear. It is the fear of being abandoned, criticized, not wanted anymore. I proved to myself, that it’s possible to be crazy and still to belong. And it’s only crazy for my Box. For my Being it’s pure aliveness. And my Box expands with every experiment I do. More and more cracks let light and lightness into my daily life. This is Evolution.

Another example happened after the Expand The Box Training (ETB). I was in a conversation with other women. I wanted to contribute something valuable. But my contribution was short. Literally. And no one reacted. Someone else shares something. There were questions from others. Aliveness. A few moments later I asked for feedback about my contribution. The answer I got was that the women around me started laying down on the floor. Someone asked me about the purpose of my question. The energy of the space went low. A Beep! and more Beeps! all over. What was my purpose of sharing? Did I want to get something special? What is the purpose for asking for feedback? Do I want to improve? Yes, I do. I’m putting pressure on myself. They asked me what if it is enough to just be?! My Box kept telling me that this is not possible. I need to do something. I need to provide value. Otherwise I have no legitimacy to belong. I felt sad about getting again so many Beeps! .

I went to wash the dishes. I noticed that I have a choice. I can stay with myself now, as I’m doing it usually. Or I can ask someone to be with me. Just to be with someone that can witness my sadness. Nothing else. I came back from the dish washing into the living room where Sónia watched something. I asked her with a hand sign if she is on the phone. She took out the earplugs and said no. So I asked her if she would be open to be with me while I’m sad and emotional. She had a yes, so I sat down sobbing and crying until it was over. And she just sat there, holding my hand and being with me. No questions. No reassurance. And then she pointed out, that I tried something new and how amazing that is. She celebrated my new possibility and she asked me to tell, what I did to do so. It turned out, that I filtered a lot out of the passed minutes. I just had the story that I was emotional and she was holding space. All the little steps in between I cut out. Interesting. That’s how I function. I cut out many things of my perception. I can realize that now. How amazing. Not easy, but amazing. And I decided to move and to try something new. Again and again.

Connection – Contact – Intimacy

When we went to watch Dune 2 in the cinema I had a short conversation with Clinton. He created a moment where I was able to experience, that I’m already connected with even strangers. He asked me, if I assume that they would help me if I would ask them. And I sensed, that they would. There is a connection. I cannot explain this fact, but I sense it very clear.

I realize that the story of being disconnected comes from a Thoughtware, a Memetic Construct that shapes my interaction with the world. When I’m watching through the glasses of separation, I will find evidence for being separated. The story comes first, then the evidence. I also have the story that I need to do something in order to be connected. I need to be in contact.

While writing these lines, I feel sad. I feel sad, that I misunderstood something so elemental and tried so hard to get the connection through making contact. Making contact is exhausting and frightening. I make contact with my eyes, with questions, with my physical body. When I’m making contact I’m identified with my Child Ego State neediness. I want to get someone’s center by giving my own center away.

Since I got the distinction of Being Centered, I try to make contact while being centered but it’s still a making. And if others don’t make contact, I’m disappointed. And I use those situations to create resentments and to withdraw. I create not very helpful stories over and over. More precisely: I create self-abuse stories! They are not encouraging or empowering at all. In the ETB I got it clear: Stories are just stories. No story is true. And even if no story is true, the stories have consequences. I can choose what kind of story I tell myself. Is it a story of Low Drama with a low amount possibilities? Or is it High Drama with a high amount of possibilities?

What if I don’t need to make anything?! What if it is about being aware of the connection, which already is?! What if intimacy is raw and real?! No more fantasy world between you and another being. What if you got a choice? And freedom? No stories anymore? I start exploring 5 Body Intimacy.

Pearls grow under pressure

Living in the Women of Earth Bridge-House was like living in a pressure-cooker. Evolution takes place fast. And painful resistance too. So many Beeps! and so many trials. I’m quick in understanding. I’m intelligent. I even was good at Maths. It is important to me to be seen as smart. To be smart is a part of being a Good Girl. But living in a Bridge-House showed, that almost everything I built up during my first 40 years in life seems to be a waste of time. I became someone. But in Archiarchy – a culture in the context of Radical Responsibility – my achievements aren’t valuable the way I’m used to.

My patterns of improvement, being efficient, competent, and being someone by doing cool and honored stuff are coming from Patriarchy. A culture, which is destroying the planet by producing things we don’t really need but we fill our emotional holes with. A culture in which being rich and famous is wanted. You need to grow constantly otherwise you are left behind. You need to have a career. You need to have a fancy partner and cool kids. You need to prove constantly that you are a good person, a good citizen, a valuable part of the society. Otherwise you will lose touch with society. People will forget you. You will lose your legitimacy. No one will give you a job anymore. You become broke. You fail. Keep going. The hamster wheel doesn’t stop. These are the memes my thoughtware is built up on. S.H.I.T.!

What I got

Not every pressure is the same. There is Pressure of Evolution and pressure coming from the Survival Strategy. What I described above is all survival pressure. It’s about fitting in, about adapting to a system which is built to make money. It is about neglecting your own wisdom and to give your center and your Authority away. It is about scarcity in a world with limited resources.

But what if Earth is a place with endless sources?! What if there are so many Possibilities you cannot imagine? In this realm the Pressure of Evolution can emerge. A pressure that is coming from inside, from your aliveness. The purposeless urge of Creating.

To function means to be efficient

The other day I woke up sad. I decided to go to bed because I felt fear of not functioning, when I do not have enough sleep. I constantly try to keep myself together. I’m not allowed to be low in energy or in a bad mood. I’m not allowed to be vulnerable. I need to be strong. I need to do it alone. Again this is all clear: these are all Patriarchal Memes running my system. But when I’m going to bed because of the story that I’ll not function the other day I miss maybe a lot.

Like in this situation: I did not complete the experiment to shadow someone for a whole day and become them. I woke up with her (way too late for my Box), I drank coffee like her (which I—meaning my Box never does), I ate lot of peanut butter (which my Box sometimes does with Tahini) and I joined her in tattooing her eyebrows (that I would never EVER do). But I missed the evening— it was enough for my Box. I followed the preference of my box. I heard the voices inside my head: “Well, you tried hard, and this is your biorhythm, you were always a so called larch (which wakes up early in the morning and need to go to bed early for having enough sleep) and you will always be so and it is scientifically proved that larch people don’t change, so you just have to accept it and move on”. And in the morning I was sad because I realized that I took a new chance away from me. I limited my possibilities by listening to my Gremlin’s voice. I killed the Possibility of having an amazing time with the other women. I don’t know what I actually missed, but my Being knows that I missed something. Feeling the sadness, the pain of missing something because of my Box preferences made me reflect. I decided to join as much as possible to stay with the women, because the time together was so precious. So much healing can happen and I want to take more risks as much as possible. I also asked myself, “why is functioning more important than to be in connection?! Is this also a strategy of separating myself?” I found out, that I ‘need’ to function because otherwise I would loose the legitimacy of belonging. What a crazy Patriarchal belief.

In the Women’s Laboratory (LAB) I became a Boundary towards the doctor who induced my birth. I decided not to put myself any longer under pressure. I’m done with functioning. I decide to live. I decide to step out of Patriarchy and any mechanism, which is manipulating me in a way that I need to be efficient and to bring performance. I’m done with manipulating myself. I’m done with the urge to fit in in order to belong. I belong anyway! I’m connected because this is to be human on this earth.

Post scriptum

The real adventure starts after the adventure. My 7 weeks in Brazil were a huge adventure. Now I’m back home. After the first ETB Clinton said that we are like eggs that grew, not fitting anymore into the old egg carton. I went through 4 weeks Bridge-House, an ETB, a Women Of Earth Lab and another women’s retreat. I went tino that adventure with the intention to transform some of my survival strategies. I realized that I pay a high price with playing small, judging myself and others. My life was boring and stressful.

I came back home. I got hugged in a way I don’t like and I said nothing. I had to welcome a group of participants and started to speak without being centered. I met a man and I gave my center away to him and found myself smiling like a little girl.

Today I notice all of those mechanisms and (re-)actions. I own them. I take them as my X on the map. I went through a deep adventure. I changed. I notice this now so much more quickly and clearer than before and I stopped judging and beating myself up.

What a huge step. I celebrate myself! I cry! I love me! How could I treat myself so badly before? I am unperfect. But I am here. And I keep going! I feel now. I Hit Bottom. I keep healing and transforming!

I do it not only for me. I do it for my sisters to encourage them, to show, that it is possible. Healing is possible. Transformation is possible. Evolution is almost inevitable.

Maybe it does not occurs in the way you expect. Most probably not. So let go. Go your way, enjoy your life and open up – it will happen and one day you’ll see that huge steps lie behind you. GO!

And you will start to take a stand for something bigger than you, because you realize that it’s needed.