A Shift of Identity

What else is possible?

This weekend at the Bridge-House we did a conscious theatre experiment which turned me upside down and shook all my pockets out. Inside the pockets were sticky pieces of stories, attachment to my Box and a childlike resistance to changing.

The experiment was to identify a character we often portray in our lives, with certain personality traits, beliefs, and Thoughtware. My character was somebody constantly looking for intensity, trying to make things happen, withs a nervous energy and is often slightly in the future and not fully present. This is a character I have played for a long time. So long and so flawlessly depicted in fact that I had almost convinced myself it was me. Almost.

Then we did this experiment, a revolutionary game that made-up as we went along where we chose new characters for each other to portray and embody over the coming days together. Imagine if you will, being an actor who has been cast for a movie. You turn up at the  first meeting before filming starts and sit down with your team to delve into the character you will play. Who is this person? How do they think? How does their inner world work? How do they operate? Together we distilled these aspects into one main new Thoughtware or Meme, a story through which we would see life.

My new meme was: “This moment has everything.”

It was a challenging task. Most of the day was spent continuously dragging myself back into the present moment, again and again reminding myself of the experiment. There were also moments when I really got it, when the character became real.

I remember at one point sitting in the restaurant next to Meredith. I had no desire to speak or to do anything really. I just leaned against her, feeling the warmth of her body, enjoying the food and a wonderful breeze on my face coming from the fan as I enjoyed looking at what was happening around me. In that moment I really had this experiential sensation of: “What more could I ever need?” “What more could life ever be?” The continuous searching and wanting that was an ever-present part of my inner fabric was suddenly silenced in this moment being everything.

The next day we made up the second part of the experiment: to deepen the character and bring it more to life by choosing two or three particular behaviours to practice. I was given the behaviour to talk and move and do everything twice as slow, to not rush, to not to try and fill up the space, and only speak when I get a true impulse and to tune out of my need for animation.

I found myself very triggered whilst receiving coaching to not joke around or be silly, to basically speak very little and not do any of the things I usually do. Being funny and fun, being a doer and bringing aliveness to the spaces I inhabit, these are some of my proudest traits. I felt like I was being ripped apart and told I was worthless.

I started to tell myself the story that nobody wanted me to be myself, that my jokes and silliness were not welcome and that everyone was trying to take away my fun, that in fact they were saying there is no place for having fun when you are living your life with purpose and responsibility. In which case—I secretly thought to myself—life is shit and boring and I don’t want to play.

At one point at the dinner table after having not spoken during the whole dinner from this petulant childlike state, I was congratulated for not destroying the space and this confirmed my story that everybody wanted me to just shut up and didn’t appreciate who I am and that I don’t want to live in a world that is sombre and joyless. What a lot of stories I was making and then finding evidence to back up. Such a clever way to alienate myself and miss an opportunity for growth.

It almost worked, but thankfully I know how much the women here love me and their only objective is to see me shine. 

Knowing this I can acknowledge my reactivity with a salute while walking right past it and into the domain of receiving every feedback as a gift and an opportunity. These women see my blindspots and their insight is rocket fuel for me to lift off.

Every time I try something different I change shape and new possibilities can emerge for my life, new results are made possible.

And all the stuff about myself that I love is still there and whatever I want to keep in my life I can, it simply becomes a conscious choice. Because I get to choose and then create whoever I want to be.

Who I want to be is the person that is able to get out their own way to continue growing, expanding and fully savouring this extraordinary life of infinite possibilities.