Being a Problem

A possibility story about inhabiting my life

One of the MANY things I LOVE about being in the Bridge-House is how much resonance there is between all the women in the Bridge-House. It is no accident we are all here together, we all have something to heal individually and collectively with every other woman.

That is why it is no surprise to me that there are various women here learning how to be a Conscious Asshole. A great way to practice this is being ok with being a problem. There is no better place to put this into action than here in the Bridge-house, where other women hold space for us to make messes and find our edge.

My Possibility Story about being a problem spans various days, kicking off with a conscious asshole training space which culminated in a gloriously angry and unapologetic walk.

During the anger walk I gave clear and plain honest feedback to my companion, which she received with appreciation and love. I experienced how this un-frilly way of delivering clear information is a great way to save precious energy. I discovered that I can bend down and do up my sandal in front of someone walking towards me so they have to move out the way and hold up cars waiting as I walk painfully slowly across a zebra crossing. Nobody killed me, I am still alive.

Just imagine for a second my rigid mechanical Box momentarily coming to life like Pinocchio, the wooden doll, to transform itself into a new shape where new possibilites can be accessed. It is not comfortable. There is a tension and intensity, aliveness happens here outside my comfort zone.

Being comfortable is overrated.

The next phase of this story happened during a spontaneous Sunday brunch convergence which turned into a 3 hour gathering where almost every woman went into a process. At one point one woman was reactive and surrounding herself with high walls as the other women tried to land distinctions in her. I could see it bouncing off her defenses, she was fighting for what she knew, too much in survival mode to let anything in. They tried something different, again to no avail.

I wished to send a lightning bolt and consciously destroy the space, I could sense that nothing else was to be done here today, yet I was too scared of hurting her and stayed quiet. Then, I started getting very fidgety and spacing out, I could hardly stay upright, it was unbearable. This is a very common sensation for me and I had never connected it to anything in particular before now, I guess I just thought I was a bit ADHD.

DING! A light bulb turned on above my head. It dawned on me, this first started happening at school, when I was forced to sit still and not speak and every impulse I had was squashed down by my teachers. But I am no longer in school now and this mechanism still lives on in me. I am still giving my authority away and stopping myself from saying what I want to say.

It goes like this: I have an impulse, I repress it, I numb my feelings about doing that, I zone out. I zone out because I cannot be present if I am repressing my energy, my feelings and my impulses. I leave my body to escape the pain of blocking what wants to come through me.

Needless to say, the women at the house have noticed how I have been holding back. Nothing is secret when you live with witches. Trying to hide from these feeling, intuitive beings is like trying to lie to a telepath.

I want to be in my own authority and therefore fully inhabit my life. And they want that of me too.

So I made a deal with the Women of Earth Bridge-house. 

I am going to be a problem.

You have been warned.