Being In Reality

And I Love You

I was thinking about what it was that I wanted to write about. I was thinking about sharing my discoveries with my anger, how exciting it is, how wonderful it is the process of maturing the connection I have with anger and how much it has brought me in presence to the Bridge-House.

But then, life happens, like it has been happening since I have arrived here and I am sharing a home with other women.

By life happening I mean I feel things, go to the Swamp, then get out of the Swamp, then hold space for someone, then after that someone holds space for me, after which I will join someone in the outside table that is going through a process herself.

It is a rollercoaster, inside and out. This is what I have been avoiding, the messiness of being alive, of feeling and looking at my own shadows and vulnerabilities while others are witnessing it. This is what Hannum, my Gremlin, hates.

A part of me — The Box — would like to write a beautiful, perfect article, one of discoveries and gold and most of all resolution, saying I am no longer feeling like crap on the loop part of the rollercoaster. But then I would be hiding and pretending that this experience I am going through is something that it is not. And I am loving this experience way too much to do something like that.

So my story today is about being real and honest. I am in the Swamp, feeling like shit. I want to run and hide. I hear the voices in my head saying “just give up, go away, don’t trust anyone, do you hear me?”

— Yes, I do.

But in between the time that I listen and I act, the Gap has become bigger than before. In that Gap I discovered other possibilities besides the one that I thought was possible which was to run, hide and beat myself up.

Today I saw Lisa-Maria in the living room and asked her if I could sit next to her and touch her arm. She said yes. I sobbed and she asked me: “what is real right now?” I started looking around. I saw her and felt joy that she was there, looking at me through her glasses. I sensed the wind on my face that was coming through the open door of the living room. I let myself sink into the beds that the women put in the hang out area. This is what is real, right here, right now.

I can breathe again.

After Lisa-Maria left the voice goes for another try: “she left you, she doesn’t care about you, you are alone”.  I dive into the space that I have before moving thinking: Jacqueline! Where is Jacqueline? “I don’t want to be alone, can I stay in your room?” The space of not being alone resides between the moment when I listen to the voice and the moment where I choose something different.

In that space I have choice, possibilities and the women with whom I am living with.

I love you all, deeply.

Lisa-Maria

Danielle

Anna

Vera

Jacqueline

Kathrin

Lisa O