There is a Cockroach in My Small Here and Now

I wake up in a place which comes pretty close to my imagination of paradise, in the Brazilian jungle. The views of my bedroom appear as a seemingly never-ending carpet of green with a lake in the background, framed by those soft shapes of Brazilian hills — a scenery I love so much.

Only the prospect of preparing myself a coffee makes me jump out of the bed and tearing myself apart from THIS view!  

Arriving in the kitchen, where the views and energy isn’t any less amazing, my idyllic scenery gets interrupted though.

I did not expect this creature there, the size and thickness of a huge thumb, brown color, shaped like a big beetle, moving its antennas in all directions. I make up stories that it is looking disapprovingly at me. It is just there to disgust me and ruin my wonderful morning.

With these stories I realize, I hand over a pretty huge amount of power to — a cockroach.

I don’t want that. So I ask myself: “which feeling am I suppressing right now?” I quickly become aware of my fear level rising. I am terrified because I don’t know if it is still alive, what is its next move, or where will it go. In short: they are able to move quick like a flash, and that makes them uncontrollable.

Loosing control is one of my biggest fears and promptly provokes my victim state.

For now, I leave the kitchen and wait to be saved. Someone will handle it, someone will rescue me. Ideally a man.

Two opposing forces are running through my system: I really want to enjoy a coffee and I don’t want to come too close to a cockroach. My love (or addition) to coffee wins, I create a workaround how to navigate around the large insect.

That could have been the end of the story and I could have just gone about my day. When I scroll through some messages I find in our group chat a text from Sónia, also expressing her fear and asking for support to handle the situation and get the insect removed from the space. Reading this, I am still in the mode of: Yes, and — it will not be me.

There were times where I could not even be with the smallest spider in one room without screaming, running away, and creating a big drama. While travelling through many different countries I consciously practiced not freaking out and be ok with different sizes of spiders and also other insects. But cockroaches: NO WAY. Not in this life time.

I am back in an energetic waiting room. Waiting for a saviour, waiting for preparing breakfast later until the kitchen can be used fully again. Someone would manage it for me, I would feel better and be rewarded with the sensation of relief. Ok, I wait. I can actually endure a lot of waiting. This is a life-long experience for me.

It wasn’t even out of the scope of possibilities to be rescued — I instinctively knew Vera could master the task of removing a cockroach, I was even sure she would do that — and she wasn’t available in that moment.

I try to focus on something else. A few minutes later I notice some voices slowly but mercilessly invading my head though, until they demand my full attention:

“Where is a man, a partner who would jump in right away and be my hero? I need a man for this!” Now, I have the final evidence: It is not working. The adventure of choosing to co-live with women for a while ends here, I give up, I quit, I leave, suitcase almost packed. In addition to this, my vision to work on not playing the victim is gone, eliminated. Forget it, what a crazy idea, I must have been mistaken.

I need a man to be OK. I need a man who saves me. And where is he?

I am swept away by my emotions, dragging me into my swamp — such a familiar place to be in.

In the swamp I can ask myself all the nagging questions: “Where do I go? What’s the plan?” I don’t get my head around it, because I am clear that I will continue to live in warmer regions, where cockroaches simply co-exit by nature. No matter where I go — I will need a man, I need a home and I desperately want to be the victim.

Hold on !

— “IT. IS. ENOUGH. I go and handle it! Now!” I hear myself saying out lout, while I put my laptop aside, get up from the couch, go into the kitchen, determined and decisive. I have a job to do, this is my task, I will do that. I grab the hugest plate I can possibly find, equipped with a stick, connected to my anger and my fear right at the side I put — the thing — on the plate, not knowing what would happen next. I let go of any control and a few seconds later we have a cockroach free kitchen. The sensation of pure bliss and joy runs through my whole body, I smile, I dance, I laugh and later share my adventure with the women.

Something deep inside of me relaxes, as I am with the experience. I did something which mattered for the whole team. Also I start to realise that I can show up here as I am, with my fears, challenges and in different emotional states and the women do not run away. I love to have a team, to be part of THIS incredible team and I especially love that we choose to create intimacy by not only be in emotions but by celebrating —together and each other! An archetypal experience and expression of Love with women!

For some it might be just getting an insect out of the way, but for me it was an empowering initiation. I shifted my story that “I need a man” into “I am able to chose” it in that moment. I pulled myself out of the victim swamp on my own hair by connecting to my Rage and Fear.

Letting go of control and the magic of a small here and now

Letting go of control is a big thing for me. It terrifies me and is the most scariest place to visit inside myself.

I practice letting go of control, so that I am not co-dependent on men and not play the victim.

The excruciating painful lingering around in a waiting room becomes obsolete, my dependency can start its gut-wrenching dissolving process and be healed bit by bit, practice by practice.

I love how life in and by itself is already the journey. Just being fully alive and see what’s in front of me in the present moment is a step. A step which counts, a step to acknowledge. Yes to EHPs, healing practices, holdings and all the amazing tools I luckily have access to. What I love about life though, is how it unfolds anyway and by doing so offering me experiments. That is if I choose to not be the victim of how life presents itself to me at any given moment!

There is nothing to do.

Just be.

Be in reality, be in the present moment, make your here and now small.

—“But what about tomorrow?” I ask, with eyes wide open, panicking, my child-ego state being angry and not understanding of what is going on.

—“Your here and now is already too big”

—“What ?!”

—“Yes.”

(To be honest, I started asking this question differently. Night and day I asked my team: “But, what will be in 3 months time?” )

No control.

Patiently and lovingly they reminded me over again and over again of the present moment. Only there I am powerful and connected, only there can I source intimacy.

After a mix of swamp and a huge, still ongoing liquid state my system slowly adapts to mastering one step at a time and realizes what is right in front of it: it is not only the tropic jungle and the enchanting country of Brazil that is touching me on a deep level. It is first and foremost the extraordinary women who are with me in my smallest here and now I could possibly be in.

This week I truly experienced the magic and transformational power of a small here and now as one way of letting go of control.

I am committed, that this marks only one of my first steps of my practices here in the Women Of Earth Bridge-House. Many more will follow on my journey of healing and transforming my old belief system of “I need a man to be ok” into “I have a choice” – or wherever it leads me to. I cannot control that.

https://coda.org/

https://initiations.mystrikingly.com/

https://minimizenow.mystrikingly.com/

https://www.treehugger.com/cockroach-facts-5180608