Underneath Hate is a Wellspring of Love

Demon Slaying, Fantasies Crashing, and a Full Moon Celebration

Out of nowhere it felt like it would spontaneously combust, spewing fire out of my mouth, screaming, “I HATE EVERYTHINGGGGGG!!!!!!”

Then Anna would say in an even and clear tone, “Jacqueline, where is your Sword right now? Can you see it?”

“Yes,” I would reply. And we would bravely take the next step, venturing forward together, each of our swords in hand.

Anna was Demon Slaying a demon entity that has been living inside of me since I came here to this planet. I discovered just this past Wednesday that I called it in to fit into the patriarchal Modern Culture I grew up inside of.

The agreement I made was that I had to hate everything that got in the way of me winning at the modern culture game and then I would have a successful, comfortable, perfect life. Anyone or anything that threatened my winning — by competing with me, by distracting me, by making me slow down, by breaking my heart, or making me feel things — was on my hate list.

Anna guided me fiercely to visit the home where this demon entity originally came from — an endless, sandy, dune-like landscape with dark purple skies. I gave it the choice to go back home with the other black entities slithering on the sands, or to go into the Light. It decided to go home. As I opened up a portal for it to leave, in the top of my head, and I felt a strong energy moving up through the back of my spine, through my skull, and at the very end, my eyes flickered white and the entity was gone. I closed the portal with my anger behind it and it was done.

Then came the tears. I was heartbroken about how long I have carried this hate inside of me. That I was living for this long from this orientation.

Then came the fears. I was scared to get my heart broken by caring about the people, planet, and this precious world so much. I was scared I couldn’t handle it.

I barely opened my eyes to start letting light in.

I could only stare at Anna’s feet. I was scared to move my eyes up further to make contact.

After a minute or two, I was able to move my eyes up to her knees, then her shoulders, and eventually, meet her eyes. The tears started streaming down my cheeks, feeling her gentle, loving presence exuding through her deep blue eyes to be with me.

She then asked, “Is there anything you need or want right now?”

I said, “I want to go outside with you and touch the earth.”

So we did. I asked her if we could hold hands on the way out. And we did.

We went to the courtyard in the house and both put our hands on the thick, short blades of uncut grass. I wiggled my pinky finger over to be in contact with hers while we connected with earth. I soaked in the beauty of the fuchsia flowers that had fallen on the ground, the periwinkle of Anna’s dress and the band on her wrist, and the deep purple yoga mats hang drying from the morning workout in the background, all the colors dancing together.

When I spoke what I was experiencing out loud, Anna said, “It’s like you are high on psychedelics right now,” with palpable awe in her voice about what just happened. I looked up into her smiling, wondrous face and a big smile spread across my face. Then my eyes locked with hers and all of a sudden in her pupils I saw me, staring clearly back at me. I told this also to Anna, and she looked into mine and exclaimed, “I see the same! I’ve never experienced this before.” Both of our eyes twinkled as the new wellspring of love, care, being with, and affection for each other and Gaia around us swirled our shared space.

—

Throughout the day and the next morning, I noticed that my eyes were open wider, that I could take more in from the environment around me, and I could let my love flow out from me to the beautiful women I am living more naturally and with ease.

The previous weeks, I had been increasingly disconnecting from Vera, as I had been in the sensation of a rebellious teen phase for some weeks with a lot of unconscious anger towards people I have externally projected Authority onto. In my previous article in this newsletter I share more about my anger towards Authority and my research about this topic.

From my process the day before with Anna something big shifted in me. When I saw Vera this day, I felt a new warmth budding in my heart and a draw to connect with her again. I shared with her about the challenges that had been going on between Jeff and I, the man I romantically relate with, and she offered a sharp and loving listening ear as she has so often done with me before.

We went up to the balcony and opened a deeper exploration, and Sónia intuitively came up to join us. Vera led me into a space to look at my Fantasy Worlds about needing to collaborate with a romantic partner, which was also about fitting in and winning at life.

When I had the demon entity in me, Jeff was a distraction, someone to compete with, someone that I could not love fully for fear that he would break my heart and there was no space for that kind of feeling in my modern world game plan. I was unconsciously sabotaging our relating space by pushing him away emotionally and energetically, to cut off connection so I could not get hurt.

Simultaneously, he was allowing me to live out the fantasy of being a power couple, where we collaborated, did everything together, we smiled all the time, and our lives were perfect, just like in all the Disney shows and movies I watched growing up. By having my own, small nuclear family and I didn’t need to rely on anyone else, I didn’t need to be in connection with community.

As these two women stayed with me to really let my fantasies about collaboration crash, I felt myself grasping at the future, “Then what?!?! I don’t know what else happens. I don’t know how it goes and I need to know.” My mind could barely let me stay with the reality of what was in how collaboration was going for me, and the fantasy of what I wanted it to be.

And so I let myself be held by these women, letting my fantasies crash. Somehow coming closer to Experiential Reality was coming closer to the love that was right in front of me, holding me in the time, energy, space, and care in this small now.

—

The following day, on the full moon, I received my Moon, something I have mostly hated because it hurt, was messy, I was bloated, moody, and it was inconvenient for school and work. Here was another part of my life — the magical, natural cycles of my own body — that I had to hate because they got in the way of me winning at the modern culture game.

There were a bunch of things for me to do this Friday, and instead I did something different: I didn’t do. I said no to all of the spaces and invitations I could join, except for the Heart Gym Sónia asked me to hold space for, which was soft, delicate, and touching in all of the ways and a big celebration of love. I celebrated what I shared about in this article. I celebrated what else happened on this Moon day:

I stayed in bed for most of the day. Sónia joined me on couple of additional low beds functioning as futons, next to the airy window and vibrant green plants in my room. We each went slow, rested, and worked on what we wanted to work on. We played some of our favorite Moon songs. We ate the food, took the calls, shared feelings that came up when and was we wanted. Sónia even made a Moon Room sign for us that she put up on the door and is still proudly hanging there because I love it!

In the past I could imagine myself wanting to fit in or gain approval from the women by creating such a wombyn space, to celebrate our moons together. And what happened was that I naturally found myself held first, by myself, and second, in connection with another woman. On top of that I also felt the other women there at the bridge house excited as they stopped by to see the Moon Room and their joy that this space existed. Instead of forcing myself to get somewhere, or adapting to fit in, I followed my natural impulses and something touching and beautiful emerged from them that I could not even have imagined.

—

The arch of this week, for me, went from deep into my Underworld, looking at death, hate, and Low Drama right in the face, to gaining new capacities to open to my heart to love without the pressure to do so. Love without pressure. I find myself letting out a sigh and relaxing deeper into reality now, as I am starting to know that love without pressure is possible. And I love it!