What If I Said Yes

A Meditation on Infinite Invitations to Love

What if

I said yes

To wearing a different woman’s clothes

Every day for a week

On the day I wore pink shorts

And a black and white flowery shirt

With the ruffles and Everything.

My Box hated it,

And I let it touch me

Over a shared table of food

Co-created with Archan women.

These Gaias holding space for my tears

And my fears

And my shaky too-big thighs

While angrily rubbing the sadness from my eyes

As I let my heart speak

Out the words

That I did not feel beautiful today.

That the shape and the colors of this outer dressing

Was not letting

Me look down at myself,

Don’t dare stare

At what’s down there.

This visual representation

Of my perceived mediocrity

Of my commitment to vanity

Of this pressured, competitive insanity

So I could be worthy of love.

What if

I said yes

To Reality?

About this being really how I am?

My mother’s ways so close

Yet I want to be so far

Even this, part of the game

Of trying to get out

Of trying to figure it out

To fight it and flap about

The grip of what is

Tightening in my fists

As I avoid Just This,

While the women walk with me tenderly

Into the here and now, deeper, deeply

Simply loving me.

What if

I said yes

To being in the ocean

With Lisa-Maria

Shouting “I love you!”

As the waves toss us around

Tied together by our sounds

As we declare

“We are each radiant women.”

As I de-baptized myself

From comparison and jealousy

A woman ahead of me

Is not my enemy

She is a shining example

Of all I can be

As she stands next to me

Holding my hand

As the terror thoughts flee

Showing me new possibilities

About how loving Love can be.

What if

I said yes

To clean up my mess

After I said no to Isabel

Sleeping in our room

Because I was scared

That I would drown

In the invitations

To create Offers for Intimacy

So much that I would have to run away

And not stay

In this pool of love,

Just warm enough

To call my bluff

Wrapping its arms around me.

Stay.

What if

I said yes

To bring myself forward

And address

The woman in front of me

Saying no

To going Nonlinear

To taking a spin with her

This Being waiting inside

To be radically alive

To run through the streets screaming

But instead she stayed steaming.

What if

I said yes

To this woman again

Because I love her Being

And am on her team for seeing

How incredibly freeing

It is to stand on a chair

Up in the air

Singing to the people in the restaurant who might care

And they did!

They stopped and shared

In the magic of the moment

Of this woman saying yes to herself

To dusting off the shelves

And allowing expansion

And dancing

Them clapping

Us cheering

Living together in ecstatic creation

In loving elation.

What if

I said yes

To be born on this planet

And live in the Small Now

Without planning it?

And I said yes again and again

‘Til the spirals

Brought me to a circle

With nine women

Nine hearts

Nine smarts

Nine swords so sharp

In a Gameworld

Marked by Women of Earth.

In a Bridge-House

Filled with belly laughs, cries, and shouts

Every day stretching on like a century

Every moment so complete in its simplicity,

We are inventing.

Me loving you

And you loving me

And us loving Gaia

Devotionally.

I said yes.