What Is The Path To Becoming A Trainer?

Ever since I discovered Possibility Management, I had a certainty within me that I was going to be a Trainer one day. The impulse came from experiencing a context with so much Clarity, Transformation, Empowerment, and Love, that I wanted that to be my life.

I've had previous impulses like this. I carry within me a desire to dive into something that presents itself as extraordinary. When I was passionate about running, I became a marathon runner. When I decided to tell stories I went to Africa to be immersed in the oral tradition. I've traveled the world doing theatre. Looking back, I see a pattern that when I discover something that fills me with life I say yes with all my heart, I go deeper into it until I know how to do it then I start to think about the next thing, I decide again to recalculate the route.

In my first small steps in wanting to be a Trainer, the path proved to be longer and further than my previous paths. Unlike everything that happened to me before, with Possibility Management I was faced with the question: What am I trying to save myself from? Where does this impulse to become a Trainer really comes from? To whom am I trying to prove that I can do it? The clarity of the context, the dangerous questions, the feedback from my team, the practices with feelings made me hit reality. There was no way I could continue wanting to be a Trainer without giving up my fantasy.

What I have learned is that the impulse I have to want to dive into the things I love comes from my Being. My Being longs for life and radiance, and what happens next is that my impulse mixes with my survival strategies, and pleasure turns into pressure.

I recently discovered a belief that I have: life is for those people who are evolving, when evolution ends, death arrives. And evolving for me means learning as much as possible, reinventing myself, going to the edge of my Box and taking a step into the unknown. And I have done this in my life many times to save myself from this death, to save myself from the lack of feeling, by pressuring myself, blaming myself and demanding the most from me.

I grew up in a family with many children and many problems. I didn't learn what it was like to be seen, I grew up not knowing what my value was, and I decided that I was going to prove to my parents that I had value. And it is often at this point that my pleasure turns into duty, and all the radiance goes away.

Since I said I wanted to be a Trainer, it was inevitable that I would change many things in my life. I ended my marriage. I left all my other work as a therapist and actress in the background. I became a spaceholder for Possibility Management Brazil without knowing what that meant. I organized trainings and participated in trainings on the other side of the world. I'm learning to speak English and I came to live at Women Of Earth Bridge-House. This isn't something that just happened to me. I live with women who have also changed their lives and are still consciously changing. Every time I meet them in the kitchen, at the work table or on a walk to the beach, I admire their courage and dedication, that is very inspiring for me.

But I feel very scared about why I'm doing this. I'm afraid that what moves me is the part in me that wants to be a good student, a good Possibilitator. It’s the part that still wants to prove to my parents that I can do it, I can see that. A theatre director when directing me once gave me the following instruction: “when you're on stage, don’t try to be interesting, be interested instead. This will be much more fun for you.” This distinction opened up many possibilities for me at that time and still does today. Now I ask myself when I want to be a Trainer, which part of me will I allow to be in charge? My interested Being or my Box wanting to be interesting?

This last week at Bridge-House was by far the most challenging and full of learning for me. With the arrival of more women at the house, and with Vera's return from Kenya, I experienced the most diverse emotions about being worthless. As I said above, I grew up not knowing what my worth was, and I spent and still spend a lot of my energy trying to prove that.

I received feedback that broke my heart. The feedback was about how I was relating to people. I discovered that I was more relating with my Box than with my Being, that I give a lot of value to my box and that it made me walk in the opposite direction of being a Trainer. The feedback was much more elaborate, precise and precious than what I write now. I still carry the feeling in my energetic body of the extraordinary and frank conversation we had, but I can't remember much more than these words. This happened because after hearing those words I went to the dark room I have inside me, in Possibility Management we call it the Swamp. In that place I felt guilt, shame, injustice. At the same time that I felt all this, I fought not to feel it, my childish ego fought to appear adult and the result was to close myself off, defend myself, isolate myself.

On the same day I had this conversation I traveled to São Paulo, I had a rehearsal scheduled, I took a 12-hour trip, and I remember crying almost the entire journey. I also felt relieved because I was going straight to the theatre. I've been part of this theatre company for over twenty years, and my relief was about going to a place where people knew me. But when I got there I felt strange, I looked at the people interacting, the space, and it was as if my life was passing in front of me and I no longer recognized myself in it. I was definitely not the same person anymore, and those people no longer knew me.

I returned the next day to the Bridge-House in a liquid state and still with my Child Ego State fighting to look good and look like an adult. There was a proposal to get together to write about how this week was and I thought I'm not going to write anything, that I'm deep in shit and there's nothing to share from here. That's when I decided to do something to change and asked Jacqueline to give me a listening space. I cried for almost an hour lying on her lap. And I finally started to accept where I was. Then I called Isabel who also listened to me, and nights ago I had a conversation with Vera that brought me distinctions about feeling sadness as an adult and in connection. And accepting where I am has allowed me to step out of the swamp and feel love for myself.

I am once again traveling on a bus while writing this text, once again going to the theatre. I just received a call from Sónia asking me dangerous questions about our collaboration. I felt fear and anger on the call, and a lot of joy for having radical relationships with women like Sónia. I'm sitting next to another woman on the bus, who sometimes peeks at my computer to read what I'm writing and who overheard my conversation with Sónia. She is curious and I sense the desire to talk to her about what we are doing at Bridge-House inside me. And that's why I'm going to stop this text here, before the trip ends.

Ah, before I finish I remembered, I started this text asking what is the path to becoming a Trainer. The answer is I don't know, and the question that stays with me now is: What is the way for me to love myself with Dignity? Whether or not I will be a  Trainer one day I don't know, as long as I have questions I walk, and as I walk I discover what I am.

With love,

Danielle